i'm screaming, crying, laughing in my head [entries|friends|calendar] toniya! [ website | rawr ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

found the end of the rainbow.. On Typhoon Ketsana, and other overseas worries [19 Oct 2009|11:37pm] My biggest frustrations about being here (in the US) during the time when Typhoons Ketsana (Ondoy) and Parma (Pepeng) brought disaster to the Philippines just a couple weeks ago, were : 1. How difficult it seemed to be of REAL help when I was so far away from home 2. How practically NOBODY here had heard about what was going on, unless they knew me/another filipino on campus, or were people who regularly read a lot of news (there aren't that many here, myself included.) 3. How big newspapers like the Boston Globe or the New York Timesbarely covered any news about the catastrophic damages and the desperate need for help and aid that were left in the wake of the typhoons.  4. How even if people knew, many never cared to ask HOW they could help.  So what do you do when you are frustrated? Take action. These are my responses to my frustrations.  I talked about it. A lot. I wrote about it for my creative writing class and shared the article with friends, read it out at an open mic night. Find out more about what happened during Typhoon Ketsana here.  Today, Hilary Lahan and I were able to finish setting up the simple exhibit about Ketsana and we put up by the cafe at Balfour. There's a selection of 20 photos from the first week after Ketsana, my poem and some articles. I hope you will stop by to REALLY look at it.  Under our now official NGO, the Buhay Makulay Children's Project Inc., we have started a fundraising initiative for families of typhoon victims. It's called the 12 Gifts of Christmas. I need as much help as I can get to round up donations and host fundraisers to make this project successful. Find out more about it here.All donations count and they can be made through PayPal. If you have fundraising ideas, I'm all ears.

found the end of the rainbow.. EDZA Kanta [15 Nov 2008|08:29pm] So I'm working on a project for our writing class. We're supposed to mail a letter to a government official about a particularly concerned about. I was going to write a letter to my mayor, but then thought of looking up who the representative of Parañaque is in the House of Represenatives. After a quick google search, I found out that it's Ed Zialcita. As I proceeded to his own very official website, I got sidetracked when  his very own recording began to serenade me. He has his own voice playing as background music on his website. You guys should check it out. The track just changed to "You are the Sunshine of My Life." Oh how pinoys love karaoke. CLICK HERE and make the sound is on!

found the end of the rainbow.. Obama [04 Nov 2008|11:06pm] It's 11:05 pm. The campus is screaming. Ladies and gentlemen, Obama is the next president of the United States of America.

found the end of the rainbow.. Atlas Shrugged [31 Oct 2008|05:02pm] On my flight from San Francisco to Boston, I got randomly chosen for a security check, except I didn’t really know what was going on. Sigh. Things like this always happen to me when I’m traveling. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I got magically detained. I got booted out of my spot in line by the security. Would you step this way please, miss? They ask. Most people were able to go through the check uneventfully, have their passports and boarding passes looked at, take off their shoes and belts, putting all their stuff into the x-ray, walk through, and head to their gates. I got special treatment instead. Do you know those things that they use to keep people in line? Those short silver posts with wide, heavy duty ribbons that you can connect them with? They’re used everywhere and are pretty fun contraptions these days because just by switching the connections, you can make all crazy types of mazes. Anyway, while they were figuring out the transfer of responsibility between security guards, I got closed into my own little square. I waited there with all my stuff. My bag was overflowing with things I had to sneak out of my overweight luggage, there were tinier bags squeezed into the big, and now very heavy, bag. My narrow shoulders were getting a work out. Enclosed in a tiny square of my own, I felt pretty strange. Once I was directed to free space, I had to wait in line and still, no one had explained to me what in the world was going on. My fellow travelers undergoing the same special treatment really didn’t know either. Once my turn, the guard began his quick spiel, asking if I had ever done this before. I said no. He says okay, and tells me not to panic and to just breathe normally when I walk in. In where? I’m thinking. When I He tells me, I’ll be sprayed six quick sprays. Of what? I ask. Air, he says. Still clueless. I’m led into this little elevator-like contraption that doesn’t really go up or down and that has clear glass doors on opposite sides. I walk in. Wait. Six quick sprays that made really odd sounds. Guess that was what he was talking about. Then the doors open. I wait for longer, still behind glass. Finally I’m escorted over to another station where all my things get looked through. Two other guards do the checks. I ask them what they’re looking for. Explosives, they both reply. Whoa, I say. They look through all my little hand carry bags, through my books, pens, snacks, even at my teddy bear. They comment on all my jewelry, asking me if I make my own and telling me that I should market my own stuff on the internet. I finally have my shoes on again, and while they’re gathering up my stuff, I look around their table and notice one of my books off to the side. I make a personal reminder not to forget to make sure they put all of my little things back into my bag. Now here’s the real reason why I began writing this entry. Somewhere, somewhere in San Francisco, my copy of “Atlas Shrugged” by Ayn Rand is sitting. It makes me sad to think I have not yet finished it to this day. I like to take note of pages I want to go back to while I’m reading, going through lines or scenes that I enjoyed. Somewhere, somewhere in San Francisco, sits my copy of “Atlas Shrugged.” My mom bought it for me this summer and there’s a Station One flyer keeping my page. Behind the flyer are scribbles of page numbers and probably a couple of reminders doodled on a corner. Somewhere, somewhere in San Francisco, thanks to two security guards at the airport who forgot to put it back into my bag, sits my wonderful book without me.

found the end of the rainbow.. Weather [19 Sep 2008|12:18pm] It's 60 degrees fahrenheit outside today. It's around 82 in the Philippines. I'm still wearing what the same clothes that I'd probably wear in Manila. A light tee, dark jeans and flats.  I think it may be time to put on a sweater.

found the end of the rainbow.. What is four weeks compared to four years? [17 Sep 2008|10:45pm] I sat on the floor and began to pray. My hands found themselves held together, but open upward as if ready to receive. It was prayer, praise and worship night at the Christian Fellowship.  I prayed in gratitude. Today marks four weeks since I arrived at Wheaton. Like many other occasions, this time has just sped by. Once again, I find myself looking back and asking myself if time is moving right because I'm certain I've been here for way longer than four weeks. This is not a new feeling. I'd like to think that I'm pretty much all settled in. I think I am. I'm just so thankful because of all the amazing opportunities that present themselves here for me. God has been just amazing, as always. I've got great roommates, an awesome set of classes for the semester, a great church and a good start to my Wheaton experience.  I'm dancing again. I made into both the Wheaton Dance Company (more jazz, ballet and modern styles) and into Trybe (multicultural student-run dance group; doing more hiphop and cultural stuff). I'm also getting the International Justice Mission Wheaton Campus Chapter started up soon. I'm just getting a start on juggling all of this.  Having studied abroad before makes this whole experience of settling into Wheaton almost natural. Almost. I still, however, look for old faces in the new ones that I encounter. Just like when I first arrived at UWCCR over two years ago, the new personalities always seem to echo ones from places and times that I miss. I just have to be careful to not replace anything or more importantly, anyone. So, cheers to the first four weeks of my four years at Wheaton College, Massachusetts! I'm so excited because I can really see myself growing here, in many ways. God is helping me plant seeds or water ones he's already set in place. It is a comfort to know that He asks of me only what He has already given.

found the end of the rainbow.. Of Faith and the End of Summer [18 Aug 2008|01:28pm] "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Heb. 11:1, NIV). I didn't have to look it up in my Bible when Rainier brought it up in Station One. I knew this one by heart, thanks to thirteen years in a Christian school. My ears heard it anew as I recited it to myself and my response in my listening head was..."Wow, have I really found faith?" It got me excited to realize how this verse is now alive in my life. It puts into words the dance that's going on in my heart, my overflowing excitement, my certainty in Christ and the dreams God has reset in my heart. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Don't set you dreams in stone. Only God can do that for you. I am just discovering those carved dreams, and it is exciting, every step of the way. God is up there, just watching in delight. Having fun as He watches me discover what He's already shaped for me...enjoying my suprise, excitement and wonder as He lets me move at my own pace. (I bet He's feigning some surprise to humor me as well, God's fun like that) After growing up and learning about faith every step of the way, I finally feel as if I'm living it through and through. This summer, I have felt genuine spiritual growth. Really and truly. It's not like all those other times when you say you grow because you know that's what should be happening. This time, I have no doubts. God has worked wonders in my heart in just the three months I've been in the Philippines. He's revived my spirit after it trudged with a limp. Thank you to those who've been a part of this summer. It has been great - from beginning to end, one of my best summers by far! I'm realizing more and more that I am nothing without Christ. I am simply a testimony of what God can do with dust. And oh my, look at how God can light up even the darkest and dirtiest shades of dust.

found the end of the rainbow.. Recurring Hopes [03 Aug 2008|12:03pm] Passion Manila, now that was an amazing praise conference. I've always wanted to be at a big-scale concert where people sang not for celebrities or for vocalists or bands, especially after having been at a crazy Iron Maiden concert... at Passion Manila last Friday evening, I finally got that. The night was quite a crazy mix of emotions, quite the rollercoaster - switching from joy, to wonder, to amazement, to awe, to disbelief, to uncontainable joy, to a cringe that I couldn't release. At one point, after Louie's message, and the story about Ashley and "Fruitcake," I was deeply troubled. Something saddened me to a desparation. As we began singing "Mighty to Save," a song that has simply caught me in these past few weeks, my heart was unsettled. This song was one song that always hit me and brought my thoughts to people close to my heart who do not know Jesus. What crumpled my heart were the friends I've been thinking hard about and praying for. It came to me that what I cried out for as I heard the song was a cry not for myself, but for those friends. All my heart wanted at those moments was that my friends would know my Jesus the way I do, that they would love Him the way I do, and that they too would experience that saving grace. They are so often on my mind these days, I pray for them each time I remember them, having faith in the Holy Spirit. Those souls, if they experience God, would be some of the most amazing people God would move through. I just know it. If they meet Christ and truly believe and are saved by Him, they will draw even more to God's throne. If they choose to believe, no doubt about it, they will shake the world. They would not be blind believers, following the pack, a movement or a current, and that is why I'm so burdened for them. They will be leaders, passionate leaders. I don't claim to be able to see into the future, but God seems to keep showing me what I'd call "recurring hopes." The first time I saw this hope was some months or over a year ago already, I can't quite remember. It ran chills through my body. They are of particular friends of mine, over and over again, who do not yet believe in Jesus and well, you might say, they haven't met him yet. However, in these pictures I keep imagining, they approach the throne of grace, they lift their arms up in abandon and worship Jesus. It doesn't seem odd or out of place at all. It seems as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And it is.

found the end of the rainbow.. A Second Helping [03 Aug 2008|11:35am]     It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.     The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,     it is even beyond our vision.     We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction     of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.     Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying     that the kingdom always lies beyond us.     No statement says all that could be said.     No prayer fully expresses our faith.     No confession brings perfection.     No pastoral visit brings wholeness.     No program accomplishes the church's mission.     No set of goals and objectives includes everything.     This is what we are about.     We plant the seeds that one day will grow.     We water seeds already planted,     knowing that they hold future promise.     We lay foundations that will need further development.     We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.     We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation     in realizing that. This enables us to do something,     and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,     but it is a beginning, a step along the way,     an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.     We may never see the end results, but that is the difference     between the master builder and the worker.     We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.     We are prophets of a future not our own.     Amen. I heard this prayer by Oscar Romero at church a couple of Sunday's ago and as I listened, I knew I had heard it before. I searched through my sensory memories, trying to fit the time, place and the person from whom I heard it first. It felt like I had first heard it in Costa Rica. I tried to picture it at our grad or at church, but I wasn't certain anymore where in my memories it belonged. I asked my mom about it at lunch that day and sure enough she remembered. We heard it first as quoted by a speaker at our graduation last May. Now, I was reminded again about how much context changes meaning. This prayer by Oscar Romero, a bishop in the Roman Catholic Church in El Salvador, hit me differently though they were sustained by the same words. Romero was killed by a shot to the heart while celebrating mass on March 24, 1989, in a hospital called La Divina Providencia. The message still rang true, but my heart received it differently, now knowing whose heart spoke these words first and to whom that heart had prayed. To have heard it from a speaker at my graduation from United World Costa Rica didn't do it for me, though it sure made an impact at that time. But God allowed me to hear it once again, allowed me to really listen. I listened differently because of context. At the UWCCR graduation, I was surrounded by so many who didn't believe in Jesus, and I wasn't certain that the speaker could be speaking about God's Kingdom, the way I believed it. I thought maybe he shared it just because it sounded good, that was wrong of me. The whole time I was listening, I was preoccupied, comparing in my head the difference between what a Christian heard and what a non-Christian heard from that very same arrangement of words. I shouldn't have been. But God gave me a second chance. The next time I heard it, I then knew that Oscar Romero had been a Christian. The words lit up a whole different path, just knowing that when Romero had spoke of a kingdom not our own, he was speaking of the Kingdom of God. And that makes me proud. They are beautiful words, and I hope the Holy Spirit moves in you as He moved in me.

found the end of the rainbow.. A Sunday Call [10 Jul 2008|12:03pm] Last Sunday, I had three little moonbeams light up my evening, fueling a good night's sleep. I heard from good friends that I used to live with. I haven't seen in what seems like forever, but is only truly a couple of weeks. It was a pleasant surprise after having gotten cut off from a call with Vlad (another happy moonbeam). Then I got three little moonbeams, all in one skype call. We talked about petty things - like the final IB results, what they were up to that day and my little shoe shopping spree. I got cut off too soon by my laptop battery dying (my brother had just reclaimed the charger I was borrowing). However, the call from the Belgian boy was long enough at least for the Kawawang Chileno and the Italiano to arrive at the scene. As I saw my laptop going on hibernate, I shouted the hurried goodbye I had warned them of earlier, "Bye! Bye! Laptop's dying!! Byyeeee! Love you guys!" However, they were too busy moaning and complaining in jest about my guilty consumerist self and my most recently acquired shoes. I laughed in delight, I had already tried to defend myself and my good bargain. So, I'm sending back some sunshine to South America for the surprise moonbeams of Sunday night - Bruno, Yerko and Mattia (And to the other UWCers over there). =) Though you must be having good times all day over there and that short call may not have meant much, it put a big smile on my face even as I remembered it the day after. <3

found the end of the rainbow.. The Bag Bug [06 Jul 2008|10:25am] I've been ever so slowly going through all the junk in my room; odds and ends and in-betweens. I've barely combed through anything, but I'm feeling a lot more space as I get rid of old things and sorting them into a pile of things to sell at our coming garage sale. A lot of my stuff has been kept in boxes over the past two years. I've lived away from home a lot of the time and had forgotten about things that have been kept away. Tonight, I opened up the boxes that had kept my bags and I was greeted with many pleasant surprises. I re-discovered all these bags I've had, of all colors and sizes! It is only now that I recall my misery back at UWCCR at my "shortage" of bags. No wonder I always felt distressed when I could never find a bag to use when I wanted to go out. The colors never matched, they were always too small or too big or totally inapporpriate for the occasion. I had forgetten I owned so many and had sadly left them behind when I left for Costa Rica; my available luggage weight was always minimal. Now, I've set apart many to be sold but have re-embraced many that I had totally forgotten about. Thank God for all these old little treasures! There's definitely no need to go shopping for bags!

found the end of the rainbow.. Picking up a Few Crumbs I've Found [29 Jun 2008|10:43am] I was typing something up a few days ago and as I scanned the screen, my eyes landed on the section on the top right that shows my recent Word documents. Among those in the list were: CAS essay and decomposition lab. Ahh, requirements once fulfilled for UWC not so long ago. I'm getting all these bits and pieces, like crumbs of old but sweet and rich memories, popping up in my dreams, in conversation and in my thoughts. On the 26th of June, I was flipping through my calendar and noticed what date it was that day. I chanced upon the calendar month of May and my eyes were drawn to one of the days among the 31, all boxed up for attention. It read: "grad." Then it clicked. It's been a whole month since grad? I felt sad. Looking at a calendar drawn up in my mind, the increasing distance of time since I was at UWCCR scares me, as if it's slipping away - not just the memories and the life lived there. However, I know that isn't really true because there is a life after leaving UWC. This time, we really get to live it, fully and truly. It just still strikes me to think of how it will never be. I fell in love with that place. And to leave it is still a heartache. I don't consciously think of it throughout the day as I'm busy with family, friends, ballet, books and a teaching job. But it tends to creep up on me every now and then. There's no turning back, I know... and that isn't really what I want in the first place. However, I do want to be able to look forward to living out what I've learned, continuing what us pioneers began there, but taking it past our little green, fenced in campus...and I do want to look forward to crossing paths with those who I so quickly had to part with.

1 unicorn found the end of the rainbow.. Back at the Barre [12 Jun 2008|11:47pm] As I left the house yesterday afternoon, clad in my ballet tights and leo and my hair twirled into a bun, our little house helper commented, "Magba-ballet ka 'day Tan? Marunong ka pa ba? Baka mabali-bali pa buto mo! 'Di ka na ata marunong eh!" (You're going to ballet Tan? Do you still know how? Maybe you'll just break your bones! I'm not sure if know how to do ballet anymore!) Despite that (haha) and a year away from any formal dance classes, I survived my first ballet class back at Ecole last night. Since the girls had been on a two-week break as well, they had a relatively easy class to get back into the rhythm. Thank goodness for that or else it would have been even harder for me! I got through barre work pretty okay I guess, but centre work caught my body off guard. My tummy didn't hold strong, my legs were shaky, I had lost the stamina that I had spent years building up prior to leaving back in 2006. Not to worry though, I laughed my way through and just tried to keep going. I giggled to myself and asked my body to at least listen to me and gain some control. I thought my body was going to give up after the small jumps as my back felt clenched and strained and the sides of my feet unnaturally sore. It was just an hour of class but boy was that work! I felt just as I had last summer after my first class back, a grandma/abuela/lola! I half-awoke some time in the middle of the night and wondered what was going on. I soon realized that it was, well, just my whole body aching, it felt like every bit of it was sore. All the muscles had been woken up. Let me share a message Stace sent me after I had told her about my ancient ballet skills. It made me laugh to myself: "congratulations on getting through your ballet class. you should be proud of yourself. i'm proud of you. = ) a grandma at ballet. that thought is priceless. where did u leave your cane? at the door? = ) xoxo" Needless to say, I am happy to be at ballet again. =)

found the end of the rainbow.. Persistent Dreams from a Departed Home [10 Jun 2008|11:12pm] The past two nights, my dreams have been UWCCR filled. And it's not just one single dream, but a series of episodes. Today marks a week that I've been back in the Philippines, I arrived last Wednesday at 10-ish in the evening. It's been pretty uneventful since my return but I have enjoyed the luxuries of my own bathroom (though I share it with my sister), nice long hours of sleep, my cellphone and the company of my family. However, with the appearance of UWCCR moments and memories in my nighttime dreams; I'm reliving outings, packing, goodbyes and emotions, but with different twists, just as it always is with dreams. I can't help but keep thinking about that place and the people that filled my heart while I was there. (Not to mention, I talk about UWCCR countless times of the day!) I woke up in the middle of the night, half asleep and still thinking about that dream while trying to fall back to sleep. (I didn't want to start the day at 4am like I did yesterday, so I persevered at trying to fall back to sleep.) I started to miss UWCCR immensely. This time my thoughts weren't focused so much on the people, since my heart tells me I'll see many of them again (especially the ones closest to my heart). Besides, with the widespread popularity and ease of Facebook, we stay connected.  This time, my half-asleep mind ran me through images of the United World College Costa Rica, its walkways - the smoothly textured tiles, my old room - sweetly lit by sunlight softened by the curtains, the shared white bathrooms, the spreads of green grass, the echoing cafeteria and the colorful mosaic at the residential square. Half dreaming, I missed that place so much. Half awake, I wanted so badly to walk through that place again. When my favorite "Belgian Bachelor" (haha!) asked me over msn if I was happy, I answered that I was; but shared that at the same time I'm still a bit sad about leaving school and I jumped into more reflections about the departure. I'm enjoying being sad, because at least I know that it was all worth it. At least I know that it's all meant a great deal to me. I'm okay about feeling this way since I only feel sad that it had to end, and not sad because it had happened. If I don't feel sad, then it would somehow feel as if the whole two years that I lived at UWCCR were just ordinary..and they most definitely weren't. It isn't the depression kind of sad either, there were just too many great and sweet memories to feel that way. I have a feeling I'll keep dreaming about that home in Costa Rica for more evenings to come. On the bright side, I never want to forget that place anyway. <3

found the end of the rainbow.. Musings from May [06 Jun 2008|11:43pm] I wrote something back in May when Importado was still planning to publish a final and closing issue. It never came out, but I still want to share this. C.S. Lewis once said, "One who has journeyed in a strange land cannot return unchanged." Like the tide changes as wave upon wave crashes upon the shore, so our sand is thrashed, overturned and renewed. I stand on the rich shore of a Costa Rican beach and feel myself sinking. I'm standing still but the sand begs to swallow me. I like this feeling, the sand between my toes, the warmth of the sand, but I am yet uneasy. Am I just giving in to this shifting sand? Two years have run by me like sand passing through my fingers. We came comparing two years to eternity, but knowing we'd be at the end of the journey before we could say "Gracias por el cafe!" Along the journey, we've wondered when it is safe to let ourselves be carried by the waves, and when we must stand firm. Have we been building sandcastles where the tide can wash them away? Have you ever tried standing still just where the tide meets the shore? If you stay still and keep your spot, letting the sand shift underneath your feet, first you sink, but then you start to lose your balance. Escape? You either work your feet out of the sand or hang on to someone firmer as you enjoy the uncertain, sinking and shifting of grains beneath your soles. As time and consequence shift the ground beneath us, do we hold on to each other, take risks or get lost in the mess? Have we lost our faith on this shore? we're different people when we leave different things weigh upon our hearts we've come a long way, and it's not just the pictures that tell us so we're packed with memories of every emotional shade, i think we're good for the next decade or two. I will remember the walls that housed me, the classrooms I've sat in, the grass I've laid on while watching the stars. All these physical things, I'll remember. They will be here to come back to, along with the rest of the school's walls and stone tables, for at least the next few years to come. However, the heart of UWCCR for me, and for the generations to come, is the heart that lies in the people I've met, learned to live with and learned to love. I confuse myself saying that this place is home, when I've known for a long time that it is not the place but the people that warm this place into a home. We are shaped by circumstances, people and the choices we make while we are here. So what happens when all we have at the end of the day are our unquieted hearts as we contemplate the distance from this place as we leave, even more, the distance of people we have counted as sisters, brothers, family. What has not sunken in is the truth that this time, we leave without returning. At least not ever the same. Let me remind you, we did not know what we were in for. (The IB(!?!). Residences that never sleep. Living with people that get on our nerves. Conversations that never end. Debates that people carry on just for fun. The similarities of the place that make us miss home. The differences that enthrall us here.) We had heard stories of such places, pictures, brochures, pamphlets and such. There is nothing that compares to being in the thick of it. There are no words to bottle life here. beautiful. painful. stressful. unbelievable. i've never moved away before. i pack my things. slowly. contemplating each shoe, shirt or book that i give away. careful to give away things, not memories. just these objects, not the people. Every year the sand in this place shifts. The tide pulls some people away, the tide carries some in. Are we shifting sand on a crumbling shore? When the tide is low do we burn under the sun's heat, and when the tide comes rushing in, do we just surrender? We are part of this shifting sand. We leave footsteps in the sand that we hope leave patterns and memories, even after our tide has passed. Will it hurt once our time is done, packed bags, empty closets, walls stripped of photos and posters? Will it hurt when our planes take off, when we move away from our friends and loud residence-mates, when we get off our planes and unpack the memories we tried to bring along with us? Will it hurt when I finally realize that this is the goodbye we once spoke of on the day we realized we called this "home"...? "My faith is like shifting sand Changed by every wave My faith is like shifting sand So I stand on grace" -Caedmon's Call-

found the end of the rainbow.. Unpacking [05 Jun 2008|01:16am] So, I just got home last night. Maybe fourteen or so hours ago. It's warm. I don't have to do anything to break a sweat. Today's task: UNPACK. I ended up bringing more than 200 pounds of stuff home after finding that on my first Mexicana flight, my mom and I are allowed to each have two pieces of luggage checked in. Each of us were allowed a hundred pounds. So there's tons of unpacking to do. I just unloaded the first suitcase. There I found tons of clothes and shoes, plus the sweet surprise of my roommate Karla - her flag from El Salvador! I also found random sheets of paper that I saved, letters, and things that used to be up on my wall back at UWCCR. I don't know what's more sentimental: Taking stuff off my walls and packing up my UWCCR life, or getting home and unpacking them all, going through all the big and little things once again, unlocking memories with the knowledge that my beautiful episode in our UWCCR bubble is over and done with. I know there's tons of things to look forward to in the UWC life past the wire fences of our campus; but for now, I'm going to try to enjoy looking at piece after piece that I take out of luggage  - with a little sadness but a lot of pride at the great stories we lived.

found the end of the rainbow.. Tearful [28 May 2008|06:51pm] When I hadn't teared up during any of the many good-byes over the last day and a half, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I had cried myself out during graduation. I had cried and cried without expecting it, sad but triumphant with my friends at the same time. I cried and couldn't stop. I cried and other people began to cry too. I cried and my friends cried with me. Today, I though maybe I could go through all these farewells without too much shedding of tears. Guess I was wrong. It's so quiet here. Right now it's just the rain and gloomy sky; it's been blanketing all the departures today (oh, these endless departures). It's so sad and I feel almost zombie-like as I pack.. or try to pack up my room that held my life these past two years. What is this? This was it? This was my UWCCR? This was my two years? This was and is the REAL goodbye? I feel like I've almost bid them all. I'm running out. Peter just emailed that he's arrived home safe and I got teary eyed and almost cried as I tried to reply. What am I going to do for the next five days? I know it isn't really empty here yet, but it sure feelslike it. Lots of people are still around, if you think about it; but after goodybe afer goodbye after goodbye.. it's really just so sad. This is the first time I'm leaving late, almost last. I've always been the one (or one of those) out first. And today is just the 28th, the first official departure date. --------- This place is too depressing. We began to cry as we sat next to my window. Why did they all have to leave? I want all of them back. (Me too, he says.) I want them all to drive into school on our buseta again, smiling and laughing, saying that this goodbye was all a joke and that we're actually not leaving. He tries to comfort me sayins that we'll see most of them again. We cry harder as we know it's true when I say in reply, it's not about seeing them or not. I want it back. I wish I could have it all back.

found the end of the rainbow.. In Slow Motion [20 May 2008|01:16am] "Suddenly there are too many hours in a day again," I told Stacey at Sunday evening prayer. It's true, before we felt like there was just no time to do everything. Since the IB came to an abrupt and relieving stop last Friday for me, my days have been close to endless. They're filled with sleeping, talking, wondering what to do next and hopeless tries to make sense of my tornado-run room. I 'm a pack rat. My room seems hopeless. Hopefully I'll sort it all out over the course of this week and have sifted through all my junk so that I won't be excessively overpacked for my really low luggage weight limit. Sigh. I've begun giving stuff away, slowly. I should be packed before I know it.

found the end of the rainbow.. A race finally finished [15 May 2008|12:33pm] "....any liquid or moisture absorbed by the organism."  (My last formal words to the IB.) This is too good to be true. I'm done and I am too happy for words. Thank You God!!! It's been a two year marathon. Not a sprint. A marathon. And I've just crossed the finish line. (Right now I'm totally overlooking the results that come in two months. Haha.) It's an enormous load off our shoulders (at least those who have finished along with me today.) WE'RE DONE. I'M DONE. I'm free.  I can't even believe it. And I don't even know how to celebrate.   IB?! Gah, that's so yesterday.

found the end of the rainbow.. Moving Out [13 May 2008|10:45pm] I just moved out of the library. For the past two and a half weeks, I've had my loyal little desk in the library, pushed up against the wall and next to a shelf. Tonight, I've moved out, moving pens and books that I've kept safe in the library since weeks ago,  and relocated back into my comfy room. With only four more exams left in order to fulfill one and a half subjects, I don't really want to be cooped up in the library anymore. So tonight, after coming back to campus from Beatriz's house from the dinner for the camp leaders from last September and after booking another night for mom at Hotel Casa Alegre, I took my big woven pinoy bag out of the space next to the little desk, gathered my stuff and moved out. (I'm freeeeeee....well, not quite.) I'm already feeling a bit nostalgic about my library spot. (Haha.) Majority of two years work put into two weeks of exams. I've just got to survive till Thursday and I'm rid of the IB for life (or at least until the results come out in July.) But I've had enough of sitting in the library all day. Besides, there won't be much time between exams tomorrow anyway. There were times when the library was so crowded and I remember when people reach the breaking point at a certain hour - especially during study break during which there were no classes and we'd be at the library all day. Just wait till around 11 o'clock when students are close to their "maximum output" for the day - there's shifting in chairs, rustling of papers, nervous giggles, exasperated sighs or friends already resigned to not being able to absorb more for the day. laughing at facebook pictures or at all the other students slaving over the books. So here's to healthy end of IB life; may God prepare the best questions for me for my remaining exams!

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